Light and momentary troubles...

I woke up reflecting on our lives a year ago.  Today marks one year since my father in law's death, and in just a few days it will be one year since my mom's. Just a couple of weeks before that, I had changed jobs, and we had just come off the most difficult and exhausting foster placement we have had. I think it's safe to say that was not my favorite season. 

What I really woke up reflecting on was God's grace in the last year. Every time I thought I couldn't handle one more thing, my Heavenly Father stepped in with another tangible, real example of His grace and mercy. 

One verse kept coming back to me thoughtout the year and it brought great comfort in that oxymoronic way that our faith so often does...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV)"

Everytime I would get really in the weeds, or the weight of the circumstances would be crushing, I was reminded of this verse. How can so much pressure and difficulty be "light and momentary"? How can glory come from this that "outweighs" this heaviness? 

I don't think I could explain that until one day in June. I was in Israel at the Garden Tomb. It was a beautiful, tranquil, worshipful place stuck smack in the middle of the hustle and bustle of Jerusalem. Our visit came at the end of a powerful 10 day visit to this amazing place. Our leaders had organized a beautiful communion service, and I was fully prepared to enjoy this time. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the personal encounter I had with my Lord that day. While walking through that beautiful place and seeing the place where Christ could have been crucified, and walking in the tomb where He could have been buried I realized something in a new way... 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (Hebrews 4:15 NIV)"

The troubles and griefs and stressors that I had dealt with earlier that year were not foreign to my God. Christ had felt it all, He had faced it all, and He had sacrificed all... For me. The temptation for me was to tell God that He had asked enough of me, that I had nothing else to give, and that if He asked one more thing, I was done. He gently and patiently reminded me yet again in that garden that He had given it ALL, and that what had been asked of me was truly light and momentary in the scheme of eternity. And He also made it very clear that He would be asking more and more... Until He took me home. Anything I would face on this earth would pale in comparison to what He had already done, so how could I say I couldn't give more?

But how would I do that? How would I give more? How would I serve more, sacrifice more, love more? It was too hard, too much, too heavy. Too much trouble. 

I wept and wept. I missed the whole communion service crying under a tree. I bawled like a baby that night while my pastor reminded me that I wasn't alone, and I didn't have to be afraid of the future. Whatever God asked of me, He would not make me do in my own strength. He had provided help every step of the way so far, and He would continue to. 

So, I guess that's the answer... Life is hard. Really hard.  But the glory he allows us to share in, the peace that passes all understanding, and joy that comes in the morning really do outweigh these light and momentary troubles. Difficulty will continue to come, but God's grace will continue to abound. He has asked more of me this year, and I have found that he has given me more to give. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful to look back and see grace not just grief. 

I lift my eyes unto the hills... Part One

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

I'm sure all of you know by now (since I still talk about it incessantly) that I went to Israel in June. It truly was a life changing trip, and I will forever be grateful that I was given the opportunity to go. 

Part of our trip preparation was to memorize portions of scripture that we were to recite at specific points along the way. Supposedly, Pastor Andy chose people at random to do these passages, but it surely seemed many passages were perfectly matched to the people who received them. 

When I received Psalm 121 in my list I was really excited. We had just firmed up some plans to begin a long time dream of beginning to section hike the Appalachian Trail with our kids. Part of our plan for these hikes was to memorize the Psalms of Ascents (chapters 120-134) as we went along. Knowing these were some of the Psalms the Israelite pilgrims would sing on their journeys to Jerusalem for holidays, made them seem like appropriate passages to memorize on our journeys. 

So, I set out to memorize my passage, and eagerly awaited when I would be called on to recite it. Little did I know that the morning we would arrive at the Wadi Zohar would also be the morning that I (the official trip photographer) would somehow manage to leave my camera in the hotel. But thanks to some pals, I got a couple of shots of this amazing place. 

I also did not realize that when I stood at the top of this Wadi -which closely resembles the terrain Mary and Joseph would have travelled from Nazareth to Bethlehem and then again when Mary made her way to Jerusalem for the Passover turned Crucifixion turned Resurrection- that I would be so overcome with emotion. 

As Pastor Andy described what it would have been like to make this long, hard journey as a family I could not help but think of the long, hard journey my family had endured this year. It was hard, rugged, exhausting, and daunting. But... In the hardest of times, I knew exactly where my help came from. From The Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. I knew that he was protecting me, guiding me, shading me, and watching over me relentlessly. Yes, the journey was hard, but we had made it. 

So, as I started to say the verses, the tears came. And they came. And they came. And I was so grateful for God's Word that had been hidden in my heart on the journey of my life. And I was grateful for his mercy and his unfailing love. 

Pastor Andy said many times on that trip that people learn best with their feet. I love that. That is why this time next week, we will be just beginning our 32 mile hike of the southern most terminus of the AT. And that is why we will be memorizing Psalm 121 as a family. The terrain will obviously be different than an Israeli desert, but the journey will still be hard. I'm praying my kids understand, as I did, that we learn through our feet, and that they need to hide His Word in their hearts. One day they will need these words of comfort (probably one day next week!)

I can't wait to post Part 2 of this entry. I am confident that we are going to learn amazing lessons next week as a family. So, look for that post and the awesome pics of my rock star kids as they conquer this adventure!

 

This pic was after I pulled myself together and just before we began our descent. 

These are pics at the bottom.

We started from waaaaay up there!

She is energetic and strong, a hard worker...

A Wife of Noble Character - Proverbs 31 (NLT)

^10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
    She is more precious than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

¹³ She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[c] clothes.

²² She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
²⁴ She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I've been giving a lot of thought lately about what it means to be a "Proverbs 31 Woman".  After all, that is the coveted prize title among Christian women, is it not?  This has been on my mind a lot because summer is coming, and I'm about to spend my kids' summer break working outside the home for the 1st time.  I've been wrestling with guilt and sadness over this fact.  I love my job, and I know that God has me there for very specific reasons, so I don't doubt that I've made the right decision.  I'm just struggling to balance needing to be at my job and wanting to be home with my kids. 

Somehow, (though I don't think I was ever specifically taught this) I had in my mind that the only way to truly be a great wife and mom was to be home with them.  I was so very blessed to be able to do  that until they went to school.  Through a series of God-ordained events, I ended up back in the work force.  So what now?  Am I all of a sudden not able to measure up because I'm following God's will?  That doesn't make sense?

So I went back and visited Proverbs 31 again... It turns out this lady is into real estate.  She "goes" to inspect a field, and she buys it. Then she plants a vineyard.  She has business dealings that are profitable.  I'm assuming some of that took place "outside" the home.  Huh? So this lady some how managed a career... interesting.

But, it doesn't stop there... First, it talks about her being a trustworthy wife, and a dutiful mother.  Her family is provided for and they don't have to worry.  Why?  Because she's up before dawn and she works into the night... She is NOT LAZY! And, she is physically fit - energetic and strong.  She takes care of herself too. 

Now to me that is the ideal woman.  Someone who is able to balance it all through God's help - Her home, her career, her family, her fitness.  I'm praising God for a new look at this passage this week.  My heart still longs to be home with my kiddos, but God has a plan for this summer, and I'm excited to see what happens.  So, all you working ladies out there... hang in there!  It is possible to hold it all together.  Not through our strength, but through HIS!

...Now to work on getting those servant girls...

...the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic.

I've studied The Exodus several times through various studies, and I've always scoffed and sneered at the Israelites' hard headed-ness and their inability to see God at work in their lives.  When Numbers 11:5 takes place the Israelites had just crossed the Jordan, received water from a rock and manna from heaven.  Still the rabble said, "We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic."  I never understood how they could ignore God's provision and long for the silliest things of the past instead of pressing on toward the Promised Land.  What a bunch of doofuses!

Turns out, I've spent most of 2012 longing for the past.  Mostly, I've been longing for the silly things too... an old job, free time, hanging out with friends.  While these things are of value, they really are silly in the scheme of God's eternal kingdom. So many times God has brought that verse to my mind, as well as my scoffing and sneering.  I guess I'm not so far removed from those hard headed Israelites as I might have imagined!  But, God has faithfully used that verse to turn the tide of my thoughts and my heart to press on toward my own Promised Land.  He has faithfully reminded me of His perfect provision in my own life... Among many other things, He provided a vehicle for all six of us, rearranged "me" time, and a series of great jobs - the last of which fits our schedule perfectly, and I happen to love!

So, I've decided to refocus my thoughts for 2013... away from cucumbers and garlic to the hope that awaits me.  Not only do I have the hope of Heaven someday, but I have the promise of an abundant life now.  I'm determined to focus on verses like:

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Titus 2:12-14 "It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,  while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ,  who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

And... Philippians 4:3-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I know this has been a rough year for so many, but God does have a plan.  The Bible is still true.  The tomb is still empty.  Jesus is still on the throne.  Press on to 2013 and all that God has promised with me!

Shine like stars...

I've just finished eating turkey for 3 straight meals, and that can only mean one thing... The holidays have begun!  Thanksgiving has really got me to thinking a lot about family.  I kind of always think a lot about family... partly because ours is such a dynamic entity lately, and partly because we don't live near any of ours.  The holidays only intensify this thought process. 

Sometimes, I let my mind drift to my dreams for my family's future.  I imagine what my kids will be when they grow up.  I imagine where Tony and I will be.  I imagine holding my grand kids.  I imagine what I will look like as an old lady... But one image that always comes to my mind is the Milky Way.  I know that's a weird image to conjure up when you are day dreaming about family, but oh well.  I think it perfectly exemplifies what my ultimate hopes are. 

Philippians 2:14-16 says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing,  so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing." 

I have always prayed that my children would shine like stars - that they would be blameless and pure.  Of course, I want them to hold out the word of life... and a little less complaining and arguing would go along way, too.  But, what I think I love about this verse is the idea of them shining in the universe.  Go with me on this for a minute...

 I'm not very science minded, but this is my very elementary understanding of what super smart scientists have learned. We have these really cool pictures of our galaxy.  It appears to be a collection of stars spinning off of a very bright and very tight nucleus.  It's not spinning out of control, but it is ever expanding.  This giant and beautiful galaxy is a collection of bazillions (that is not an exact count) of stars.  Each one individual, each one having it's place, but each one connected to the center.

That is exactly how I see family.  It should have a very strong center, and as soon as each little star is added it should be set in motion to expand outward and shine God's Word as it goes.  As my biological kids get older I am seeing them expand their territory further away from my protective arms.  However scary this may be, it is a natural part of parenting.  My job is to raise them to be blameless and pure, so that as they head out into the universe and shine.  Now that God is adding extra little stars through fostering we are seeing our galaxy fill up.   Each child that comes into our home is given the opportunity to be filled with God's Word and then head back out into the world to bring God glory.

So, as I dream about the future, I imagine that one day our "stars" will reach far and wide.  They will no doubt be spread across the country and maybe even the world sharing God's truth and love.  My fervent prayer is that they will remain strongly connected to the center. To their parents.  To God.  I long for a full and bustling house at the holidays, one that roars with laughter and fun.  I want to make memories now that will draw them back year after year.  I want them to repeat funny stories, play games, and bring their kids home... I want to get Christmas cards from foster kids that have come and gone. I know I can't keep any of them under my roof forever, but I deeply desire for them to long for home... That is family to me.

 

...Be happy and joyful.

Tony said my blog needs a happy post... Admittedly, I have been a bit reflective lately.  God is teaching me a lot.  It seems I learn best through struggle... Maybe I should work on that!

Brayden and I snuck out of the sick ward today to run a 5K.  In the last couple of years we have all made an effort to work on our overall health, and running has become something that all 4 of us (and whoever else happens to live here at the time) really enjoy.  I'm generally unathletic and uncoordinated, but I have learned to really enjoy pounding the pavement.  It has put a whole new perspective on all the running verses in the Bible, and it's given me a whole new outlook on "running the race" of the Christian life.  Plus, where else can you go and spend an hour having people cheer for you? 

Today was perfect weather, a perfect event, and perfect one on one time with my boy.  He was so confident and so silly... two of my favorite character traits.  We laughed and played and visited with friends. 

We decided we would wear the same shirts that we had received at a race earlier this year...

...Anyone see the irony?  I sure didn't, but when Tony pointed out to me that we looked like a fast food restaurant show-down I couldn't stop laughing. 

Now that there are so many little kiddos in the house, I am very grateful for time alone with each of them.   I'm so thankful for a wonderful afternoon with my little guy. 

It was so refreshing to be full of joy...

"But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful." - Psalm 68:3

When I am afraid...

I need a support group.  It should go something like this... "Hello, my name is Selena, and I'm a scaredy cat." I recently read a friend's blog post that said the more "real" the blog, the more people like it.  Well, it doesn't get any more real than this one... So, you better like it!

 I struggle with fear.  Badly.  I hate it.

All my life I've been afraid of the dark, so to speak.  As a child, it was the literal dark.  I would lay there and shake till I fell asleep.  I was terrified of things that go bump in the night, monsters under the bed, etc... In my teen and college years I was afraid to watch the news, or CSI, or scary movies.   I once left a whole movie theater row of friends, went to the theater next door, and watched The Santa Clause all by myself because I was too chicken to watch whatever movie everyone else was watching.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten tougher about most things.  I think I'm too tired to care about stuff that goes bump in the night, I don't have time to watch the news, and I can't remember half of what I watch on TV. However, I do still struggle with fear.  Irrational, stupid fear. 

There is one thing that still scares me a lot... health related issues.  Okay, they terrify me.  I get all nervous and jerky (to coin my father-in-law's favorite phrase) every time I hear the words "stomach bug".  Cold and flu season comes, and I get queasy.  Someone mentions cancer, and my heart rate goes up. 

I know you are thinking, haha, yeah right... No one likes to be sick or see their kids sick.  What's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that when I say "nervous and jerky" I really mean anxious and terrified.  Knots in my stomach, tingly fingers, heart pounding, irrationally Lysoling, banning fast food restaurant play grounds... SCARED.

I used to think it was sort of normal to be paranoid about getting sick.  As I mentioned before, no one likes to be sick.  It stinks to have your plans disrupted and feel crummy.  Sick is usually messy.  It requires excessive loads of laundry, trips to the doctor and the pharmacy, it makes you lose sleep... Being sick is just plain inconvenient.  Then I had kids.  Over the years of being a mom, I've realized that my fear of health issues is kinda nuts.  I don't think I'm as much a germ-a-phobe as I am a fear-a-phobe.  I know how I get when someone is sick and I hate it.  I am afraid for people to get sick, because I'm afraid to come face to face with my thorn in the flesh... my sin.  Fear.

The Bible is clear on the subject of fear.  "Be anxious for nothing..." "Do not fear, for I am with you..." "Be strong and courageous..." "For God did not give us a spirit of fear..." I know all this.  I've memorized a whole repertoire of verses.  I get it.  Fear is bad.  Most days it doesn't bother me.  Most days I think I have it all under control.  And then I have a week like this one.  If you are on Facebook then you know that Bristol has been horribly sick with pneumonia.  She's been sicker than I knew kids could get.  And guess what?  I've been terrified.  Gripped with fear.  Nearly unable to care for her at times.  Wishing we could go to the hospital, so someone else could deal with it.  SCARED! 

It was so bad the other night that I started calling around for a kick in the pants.  My fight or flight had kicked in, and I was about to hit the road.  My husband reminded me that it was time to start fighting, so I started calling friends that I knew would set me straight.  I finally got someone to answer their phone... (Actually, I think God had the perfect person ready and waiting for my call.)  I bawled like a baby, and my dear friend stopped right then and prayed with me.  She shared scripture with me, and she reminded me of a very important point... I had to trust God with my little girl.  God used her to remind me of a huge lesson. 

Fear is ultimately a lack of trust.  Some fear is healthy and valuable.  It helps us set boundaries, and keeps us safe.  But when fear takes over faith... I believe it is sin.  When I let fear reign so powerfully in my life that I have a hard time believing that God can handle things... I am sinning.  That's where I've been this week.  I finally realized that I don't fear sickness because it's inconvenient.  I fear sickness because I'm not in control.  God is teaching and re-teaching me that He is all I need.  In every situation He is enough.  He is strong enough, powerful enough, and His grace is all sufficient.  I think He uses these scary times to teach me that I'm not in control.  Never have been.  Never will be.   

I decided to "stop freaking out", as my pediatrician scolded me.  I obeyed doctor's orders, and I waited on the Lord.  And slowly but surely she is healing.  And in the process my faith has grown and so has hers.  Even in the midst of her delirious, feverish babbling I heard her crying out to God in earnest prayer.  God was using this scary time to teach her too. 

I know this is not the last time I will deal with fear.  It is way too powerful a weapon in Satan's arsenal.   I do, however, pray that God will remind me of this week in the future.  He has been faithful, and he is The Great Physician.  And, regardless of how overwhelming my circumstances are or how out of control I feel... He is God.  And He's got it.  In the meantime, I will continue to hide His words in my heart.  That is where my strength comes from...

..."When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3