When I am afraid...

I need a support group.  It should go something like this... "Hello, my name is Selena, and I'm a scaredy cat." I recently read a friend's blog post that said the more "real" the blog, the more people like it.  Well, it doesn't get any more real than this one... So, you better like it!

 I struggle with fear.  Badly.  I hate it.

All my life I've been afraid of the dark, so to speak.  As a child, it was the literal dark.  I would lay there and shake till I fell asleep.  I was terrified of things that go bump in the night, monsters under the bed, etc... In my teen and college years I was afraid to watch the news, or CSI, or scary movies.   I once left a whole movie theater row of friends, went to the theater next door, and watched The Santa Clause all by myself because I was too chicken to watch whatever movie everyone else was watching.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten tougher about most things.  I think I'm too tired to care about stuff that goes bump in the night, I don't have time to watch the news, and I can't remember half of what I watch on TV. However, I do still struggle with fear.  Irrational, stupid fear. 

There is one thing that still scares me a lot... health related issues.  Okay, they terrify me.  I get all nervous and jerky (to coin my father-in-law's favorite phrase) every time I hear the words "stomach bug".  Cold and flu season comes, and I get queasy.  Someone mentions cancer, and my heart rate goes up. 

I know you are thinking, haha, yeah right... No one likes to be sick or see their kids sick.  What's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that when I say "nervous and jerky" I really mean anxious and terrified.  Knots in my stomach, tingly fingers, heart pounding, irrationally Lysoling, banning fast food restaurant play grounds... SCARED.

I used to think it was sort of normal to be paranoid about getting sick.  As I mentioned before, no one likes to be sick.  It stinks to have your plans disrupted and feel crummy.  Sick is usually messy.  It requires excessive loads of laundry, trips to the doctor and the pharmacy, it makes you lose sleep... Being sick is just plain inconvenient.  Then I had kids.  Over the years of being a mom, I've realized that my fear of health issues is kinda nuts.  I don't think I'm as much a germ-a-phobe as I am a fear-a-phobe.  I know how I get when someone is sick and I hate it.  I am afraid for people to get sick, because I'm afraid to come face to face with my thorn in the flesh... my sin.  Fear.

The Bible is clear on the subject of fear.  "Be anxious for nothing..." "Do not fear, for I am with you..." "Be strong and courageous..." "For God did not give us a spirit of fear..." I know all this.  I've memorized a whole repertoire of verses.  I get it.  Fear is bad.  Most days it doesn't bother me.  Most days I think I have it all under control.  And then I have a week like this one.  If you are on Facebook then you know that Bristol has been horribly sick with pneumonia.  She's been sicker than I knew kids could get.  And guess what?  I've been terrified.  Gripped with fear.  Nearly unable to care for her at times.  Wishing we could go to the hospital, so someone else could deal with it.  SCARED! 

It was so bad the other night that I started calling around for a kick in the pants.  My fight or flight had kicked in, and I was about to hit the road.  My husband reminded me that it was time to start fighting, so I started calling friends that I knew would set me straight.  I finally got someone to answer their phone... (Actually, I think God had the perfect person ready and waiting for my call.)  I bawled like a baby, and my dear friend stopped right then and prayed with me.  She shared scripture with me, and she reminded me of a very important point... I had to trust God with my little girl.  God used her to remind me of a huge lesson. 

Fear is ultimately a lack of trust.  Some fear is healthy and valuable.  It helps us set boundaries, and keeps us safe.  But when fear takes over faith... I believe it is sin.  When I let fear reign so powerfully in my life that I have a hard time believing that God can handle things... I am sinning.  That's where I've been this week.  I finally realized that I don't fear sickness because it's inconvenient.  I fear sickness because I'm not in control.  God is teaching and re-teaching me that He is all I need.  In every situation He is enough.  He is strong enough, powerful enough, and His grace is all sufficient.  I think He uses these scary times to teach me that I'm not in control.  Never have been.  Never will be.   

I decided to "stop freaking out", as my pediatrician scolded me.  I obeyed doctor's orders, and I waited on the Lord.  And slowly but surely she is healing.  And in the process my faith has grown and so has hers.  Even in the midst of her delirious, feverish babbling I heard her crying out to God in earnest prayer.  God was using this scary time to teach her too. 

I know this is not the last time I will deal with fear.  It is way too powerful a weapon in Satan's arsenal.   I do, however, pray that God will remind me of this week in the future.  He has been faithful, and he is The Great Physician.  And, regardless of how overwhelming my circumstances are or how out of control I feel... He is God.  And He's got it.  In the meantime, I will continue to hide His words in my heart.  That is where my strength comes from...

..."When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3