I've just finished eating turkey for 3 straight meals, and that can only mean one thing... The holidays have begun! Thanksgiving has really got me to thinking a lot about family. I kind of always think a lot about family... partly because ours is such a dynamic entity lately, and partly because we don't live near any of ours. The holidays only intensify this thought process.
Sometimes, I let my mind drift to my dreams for my family's future. I imagine what my kids will be when they grow up. I imagine where Tony and I will be. I imagine holding my grand kids. I imagine what I will look like as an old lady... But one image that always comes to my mind is the Milky Way. I know that's a weird image to conjure up when you are day dreaming about family, but oh well. I think it perfectly exemplifies what my ultimate hopes are.
Philippians 2:14-16 says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."
I have always prayed that my children would shine like stars - that they would be blameless and pure. Of course, I want them to hold out the word of life... and a little less complaining and arguing would go along way, too. But, what I think I love about this verse is the idea of them shining in the universe. Go with me on this for a minute...
I'm not very science minded, but this is my very elementary understanding of what super smart scientists have learned. We have these really cool pictures of our galaxy. It appears to be a collection of stars spinning off of a very bright and very tight nucleus. It's not spinning out of control, but it is ever expanding. This giant and beautiful galaxy is a collection of bazillions (that is not an exact count) of stars. Each one individual, each one having it's place, but each one connected to the center.
That is exactly how I see family. It should have a very strong center, and as soon as each little star is added it should be set in motion to expand outward and shine God's Word as it goes. As my biological kids get older I am seeing them expand their territory further away from my protective arms. However scary this may be, it is a natural part of parenting. My job is to raise them to be blameless and pure, so that as they head out into the universe and shine. Now that God is adding extra little stars through fostering we are seeing our galaxy fill up. Each child that comes into our home is given the opportunity to be filled with God's Word and then head back out into the world to bring God glory.
So, as I dream about the future, I imagine that one day our "stars" will reach far and wide. They will no doubt be spread across the country and maybe even the world sharing God's truth and love. My fervent prayer is that they will remain strongly connected to the center. To their parents. To God. I long for a full and bustling house at the holidays, one that roars with laughter and fun. I want to make memories now that will draw them back year after year. I want them to repeat funny stories, play games, and bring their kids home... I want to get Christmas cards from foster kids that have come and gone. I know I can't keep any of them under my roof forever, but I deeply desire for them to long for home... That is family to me.
Tony said my blog needs a happy post... Admittedly, I have been a bit reflective lately. God is teaching me a lot. It seems I learn best through struggle... Maybe I should work on that!
Brayden and I snuck out of the sick ward today to run a 5K. In the last couple of years we have all made an effort to work on our overall health, and running has become something that all 4 of us (and whoever else happens to live here at the time) really enjoy. I'm generally unathletic and uncoordinated, but I have learned to really enjoy pounding the pavement. It has put a whole new perspective on all the running verses in the Bible, and it's given me a whole new outlook on "running the race" of the Christian life. Plus, where else can you go and spend an hour having people cheer for you?
Today was perfect weather, a perfect event, and perfect one on one time with my boy. He was so confident and so silly... two of my favorite character traits. We laughed and played and visited with friends.
We decided we would wear the same shirts that we had received at a race earlier this year...
...Anyone see the irony? I sure didn't, but when Tony pointed out to me that we looked like a fast food restaurant show-down I couldn't stop laughing.
Now that there are so many little kiddos in the house, I am very grateful for time alone with each of them. I'm so thankful for a wonderful afternoon with my little guy.
It was so refreshing to be full of joy...
"But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful." - Psalm 68:3
I need a support group. It should go something like this... "Hello, my name is Selena, and I'm a scaredy cat." I recently read a friend's blog post that said the more "real" the blog, the more people like it. Well, it doesn't get any more real than this one... So, you better like it!
I struggle with fear. Badly. I hate it.
All my life I've been afraid of the dark, so to speak. As a child, it was the literal dark. I would lay there and shake till I fell asleep. I was terrified of things that go bump in the night, monsters under the bed, etc... In my teen and college years I was afraid to watch the news, or CSI, or scary movies. I once left a whole movie theater row of friends, went to the theater next door, and watched The Santa Clause all by myself because I was too chicken to watch whatever movie everyone else was watching.
As I've gotten older, I've gotten tougher about most things. I think I'm too tired to care about stuff that goes bump in the night, I don't have time to watch the news, and I can't remember half of what I watch on TV. However, I do still struggle with fear. Irrational, stupid fear.
There is one thing that still scares me a lot... health related issues. Okay, they terrify me. I get all nervous and jerky (to coin my father-in-law's favorite phrase) every time I hear the words "stomach bug". Cold and flu season comes, and I get queasy. Someone mentions cancer, and my heart rate goes up.
I know you are thinking, haha, yeah right... No one likes to be sick or see their kids sick. What's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that when I say "nervous and jerky" I really mean anxious and terrified. Knots in my stomach, tingly fingers, heart pounding, irrationally Lysoling, banning fast food restaurant play grounds... SCARED.
I used to think it was sort of normal to be paranoid about getting sick. As I mentioned before, no one likes to be sick. It stinks to have your plans disrupted and feel crummy. Sick is usually messy. It requires excessive loads of laundry, trips to the doctor and the pharmacy, it makes you lose sleep... Being sick is just plain inconvenient. Then I had kids. Over the years of being a mom, I've realized that my fear of health issues is kinda nuts. I don't think I'm as much a germ-a-phobe as I am a fear-a-phobe. I know how I get when someone is sick and I hate it. I am afraid for people to get sick, because I'm afraid to come face to face with my thorn in the flesh... my sin. Fear.
The Bible is clear on the subject of fear. "Be anxious for nothing..." "Do not fear, for I am with you..." "Be strong and courageous..." "For God did not give us a spirit of fear..." I know all this. I've memorized a whole repertoire of verses. I get it. Fear is bad. Most days it doesn't bother me. Most days I think I have it all under control. And then I have a week like this one. If you are on Facebook then you know that Bristol has been horribly sick with pneumonia. She's been sicker than I knew kids could get. And guess what? I've been terrified. Gripped with fear. Nearly unable to care for her at times. Wishing we could go to the hospital, so someone else could deal with it. SCARED!
It was so bad the other night that I started calling around for a kick in the pants. My fight or flight had kicked in, and I was about to hit the road. My husband reminded me that it was time to start fighting, so I started calling friends that I knew would set me straight. I finally got someone to answer their phone... (Actually, I think God had the perfect person ready and waiting for my call.) I bawled like a baby, and my dear friend stopped right then and prayed with me. She shared scripture with me, and she reminded me of a very important point... I had to trust God with my little girl. God used her to remind me of a huge lesson.
Fear is ultimately a lack of trust. Some fear is healthy and valuable. It helps us set boundaries, and keeps us safe. But when fear takes over faith... I believe it is sin. When I let fear reign so powerfully in my life that I have a hard time believing that God can handle things... I am sinning. That's where I've been this week. I finally realized that I don't fear sickness because it's inconvenient. I fear sickness because I'm not in control. God is teaching and re-teaching me that He is all I need. In every situation He is enough. He is strong enough, powerful enough, and His grace is all sufficient. I think He uses these scary times to teach me that I'm not in control. Never have been. Never will be.
I decided to "stop freaking out", as my pediatrician scolded me. I obeyed doctor's orders, and I waited on the Lord. And slowly but surely she is healing. And in the process my faith has grown and so has hers. Even in the midst of her delirious, feverish babbling I heard her crying out to God in earnest prayer. God was using this scary time to teach her too.
I know this is not the last time I will deal with fear. It is way too powerful a weapon in Satan's arsenal. I do, however, pray that God will remind me of this week in the future. He has been faithful, and he is The Great Physician. And, regardless of how overwhelming my circumstances are or how out of control I feel... He is God. And He's got it. In the meantime, I will continue to hide His words in my heart. That is where my strength comes from...
..."When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3
.jpg/300px-NGC_4414_(NASA-med).jpg){kind=link}